silvercloudlinings

Looking for the things in life that make us happy

SLEEPLESS ON BRIBIE

on 30/07/2014

Sleepless in Bribie

Chemo day today: a cocktail of 3 chemo drugs, an infusion of 2 pre-med drugs to counteract side-effects from the bone strengthener infusion which came next. I have been having this 4-6 weekly for 10 years but recently one of the pre-med drugs has been causing a sleepless night. I asked my Oncologist for some sleeping tablets which he gave me. The directions said take 1-2 tablets. I took one and had 4 hours sleep; woke at midnight – rolled around for an hour – still no sleep, so I took the second pill, waited another hour plus with thoughts running through my increasingly over-active mind and thought stuff this, might as well get the laptop and see what my drugged mind comes up with……..

So here I am – it’s now 2.40am; in bed, laptop on my knee, bed socks as my feet are cold, beanie covering my sparse head of hair which also feels the cold. I have a cup of green tea and a bottle of water by my side – think I need a biscuit to go with this. I thought of taking a selfie but then thought better of it – I’m sure it wouldn’t be a pretty picture – but then I thought why not but just for my archives.

Mischa came in to see what was happening, happily shared my biscuit but as soon as I started taking a selfie she cleared off – scared of the flash. I still have half a stale Marie biscuit left and can’t see very well due to the flash.

Selfie – check – definitely not for general viewing!

Ok, now where are all those fantastic thoughts I had half an hour ago – where have they gone?

I know one thread was about motherly love, no doubt triggered by Scott’s bike accident and seeing him in hospital today. Ah! It’s starting to come back just as my eyes are gradually returning to normal focus.

In my head I began to think about a mother’s love that begins with birth and how you have been entrusted with this miracle you and your husband have made through your love. How besotted you are and you know with a pure certainty that this is the most beautiful, wonderful child any mother could ever have. The love continues to grow and when you become pregnant with number two – I clearly remember wondering how on earth will I have enough love left to give to this child but of course a mother’s love has no boundaries and that you have more than enough love to give to this child. So there you have your pigeon pair – a perfectly gorgeous daughter and an equally gorgeous son. Four years later an unexpected but eagerly awaited son made his appearance into our family and that love expanded again.

The older children were at school and pre-school by now and it was almost like having a first child again but with my experience of motherhood, number 3 allowed me to be far more relaxed with him but somehow there was a feeling that I needed to be more protective of him and had an underlying fear that something bad may happen to him and indeed I have in the past been accused of being an over-protective mother which I have tried to stifle.

Having said that, I fiercely love all my children and hope and pray that nothing bad happens to any of them. Of course they are all adults now and have their own families and lives. Once they fly the coop there is a loss of immediate closeness and it takes some time for a parent to adjust to their fledglings making their lives without you. Eventually this does happen but a mother’s love never wavers or diminishes- that special role has changed forever but you are always there to support them when they need it and in a capacity with which they are comfortable. You can’t rush in with all “guns blazing” and take over and this has been a hard lesson to learn at times.

Each of my children has had a devastating event happen in their lives: a divorce, the tragic death of a spouse, a long drawn out battle with custody – often ugly – and the pride and admiration we have for this child and the way in which he has conducted himself through these many, many years of adversity is gratifying. The support his wonderful wife has contributed no doubt helped to keep him as calm as possible.

It is gratifying to see that they have all taken on our morals and ethics and have all come through their adversities stronger and capable people who are good and wonderful people. We certainly have a lot to be proud of. I am not saying they are perfect – they all have flaws just as we do.

But…..once a mother, always a mother and as we grow older they know we will always be there to help and support them whenever we can.

After the terrible event of MH17 last week and the graphic pictures of the aftermath we see daily on the news and hear on radio – is a constant reminder to us how fleeting our time is and how life can be snuffed out in an instant. All those people on that plane who no doubt were looking forward to seeing their loved ones on arrival at their destination or preparing themselves for work related events – all of a sudden were no more.   The aftermath which is ongoing and almost too unbearable to watch is unfathomable how people can behave in a situation such as this.

Then we have our youngest who had a dirt bike accident on Saturday who will be fine but at least his injuries are manageable and he is alive.

Nothing is left to the imagination these days and to see photos of him laid out on the ground in the bush after he collided with a tree and was surrounded by Paramedics who stabilised him and then loaded onto the back of a ute so that he could be transported to a waiting ambulance which then took him to Nambour Hospital to an over-crowded public hospital who xrayed his chest and shoulder and said no broken bones – gave him a sling and Endone and sent him home – vomiting all the way.

With the knowledge that he had no broken bones but was still in excruciating pain and couldn’t take Endone which caused him to vomit – he thought it would gradually improve and tried to cope just with Panadol Osteo. By Monday he was still in extreme pain Rhonda took him to their well used Private Emergency Dept and within 10 minutes he was on a bed, had an intravenous drip for dehydration and given morphine through the drip. An Xray there revealed two broken ribs – no wonder the level of pain. Endone was given with an anti-nausea drug which has allowed the pain to be kept under control. An MRI revealed no further damage but he can’t move his shoulder and it seems his shoulder may have partially popped out but went back in by itself.

Result: 2 weeks off work and no bike riding for at least 6 weeks to allow the ribs and shoulder to heal.

He has had spills off his bike on numerous occasions over the years but this has no doubt been worst and also doubtless could have so much worse.

He has been dirt bike riding since he was 16, rode with a club for a number of years and it has been his passion and a regular event in his life and as he is about to turn 41 he is very experienced in his pursuit and has taken part in Endurance rides and weekends with his DBR (dirt bike riders) group.

No doubt he has been able to pursue his passion because he has a very understanding wife and they still have a very busy social life other than his bike riding. They have a road bike which Rhonda loves and they do and have done some great trips on this bike.

Getting back to a mother’s point of view – I would be happy if he gave his dirt bike riding away but he loves it and will no doubt continue until he’s too old to hold the throttle. Speaking of which he said he found his hand was in the throttle position doing a bit of a rev, while we were there, no doubt a result of the Endone but funny nonetheless. Humour, I believe, has a great part to play in times of stress, not with Scott at the moment as laughing is too painfull.

Getting that phone call from Rhonda on Saturday was a call I had been half expecting for many years and of course my heart was filled with dread and my stomach churned but thankfully it has turned out to be not too bad.

It hasn’t been a good year for Scott and Jamie – major surgery for Jamie and at the same time, food poisoning for Scott who was in a different hospital at the same after arriving back from America. Jamie badly dislocated her ankle and badly broke her lower leg just as her guests were arriving and missed her 18th birthday party and while still in her boot and on crutches, Scott had this accident. Is there some one-upmanship going on there? I think not but who knows??

I think he will be known forever as “Scott the Tree Hugger”.

It is now 4.21 am and 1,533 words later and sleep still seems a long way off but this is a rather long blog – may have to reduce it – see how it reads in the light of day. As long as my brain remains clear I’m happy. Time to stop now and listen to the birds as they begin to wake (1550!!!) Goodnight/Good morning – stopped counting words.

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